Admiration=Addiction

I'm addicted,
consistency with different frequency
I hate this feeling,
that which hunts me every time,
I prefer death,
Desire an end,

Worrying what matters not to the other,
I strive, and drifting,
further away,
I could not understand 'me',
Lost with words around you
I am annoying,
I feel that much,

To not care,is ignorance,
to care is arrogance,
There's no gray, no unseen, no mix
just black and white,
feelings or rationale,
I choose to care to not regret,
but I do,

So what's with me?
yea like you said Xe Linn,
I need an ear, no maybe two,
not talks to clear me up,
I wonder why?
Is it because you know I know,
or I'm just arrogant and refuse to listen,
I wonder aloud,
but silent,

I want to see, but dare not call,
too annoying I said to myself,
me I think,
Today my luck has run down,
lucky I thought, a moment of bliss,
but just a knife in disguise,
piercing ever so badly,
I'm used to it I thought, maybe not,
Cremate this thoughts of mine,

I'm done, with it,
I could deal with it, I thought,
attitudes of admiration,habits of addiction,
I repeat, is it bad?
I'm common, I know,
ugly from skin to soul,
I tried, but never once was told to try harder,
just to stop,
I want to rest, but the habits of care and responsibility is eating most,
I want not to regret, but I do,
I wish hard to forget,
but not.

I've company, but like not,
I listen, just not answer,
I try but need to try more,
but being pulled down,
my struggles are non next to yours,
I'm useless, I think,
but I will be useful, I hope,

I'm lost,
maybe,
In my sea of thoughts, real cliche I know,
but so is everyone, not?
I instigate,
maybe I am not alright, with problems to my attitude, my motives, my ideals
I hope change,

I want to hurt non, not again,
I regret, so I dare not,
Dare not to put feelings, dare not to dream
just to drive to strive for my ideals,
I hope to drop family, love, and friends
but I could not,
I want to hold most is family, love, and friends,
because I could not hold them long,
just a moment of bliss.

I'm trying, to socialize, definitely not my forte,
but I try, because i was told to,
but to lock myself in my walls,
is equally as wistful.
I want to talk when I'm alone, hope to be alone when it's crowded,
however there is no mediocre, no middle line,
one is too much, non is too little,
I don't understand,
not only you swea phin, I can't understand myself too
not that I don't want to change Queen, but I dare not, I could not,
I know not how, how?

Life is as depressing as everyone's, no one person is living better than the other,
that's my thought now Pris, I'm sorry,
Lesley, u said I somehow changed, I really wonder how?
Am I finally growing?

I locked myself in sometime, like others,
everyone is equal not?
Sheryn, try it! pen it down just I am now,
Fifi, my respect, you've earned really,
Ambrose, thanks you are really my friend, someone whom i could call in times where
non is too little

I penned this down for reminder, to those words I could not mutter,
I relay thought's easier through writing,
as my hand is as true to my heart as my mind
Yea I seek attention, I'm doing so now
but just so one day some one who know me really well
could tell me i suck, and I need to do more,
It's not lies,I'm driven negatively
It's possible.
I'm an example.

I chose to challenge the flow, but I'm running on it
I,m lost,
Go if you find that I'm not enough,
but be safe, that's all I wish
I've felt useless, every minute before this, and probably after too,

I know pains, because I've touch them, mentally, physically
all is just a test, my actions my reactions
I'm sorry

There's no freedom, just mindsets and illusions,
It's equal
There's no luck, just work
Just time is left,
I wish to conquer that, which I never will,
we are all lead astray, not by desires
but events,
we all want to be special,
but only to so little,
I know I'm not special,
because you are,
to me.

I've learn to care late, to care properly that is,
I've learn to think late, to think properly that is,
I couldn't distress, because it pours everyday
It rains when thing's are wrong, but I rather run than to walk together
yet I fall behind.

I just wonder aloud,
Attention seeking,
philosophy driven,
but just want to go wild,
and be timelessly constrained by my desires,

I so truly desire.....