Pain....the 2nd sin Lust

Mindlessly staring, I thought i could,
Lies ahead of me, i feel,
Mumbling words of comfort over self preservation,
I differ, I'm different, I'm unaccepted,
This lust, for company,
just a shrug if I may,
Is Saturday going to be different,
the sudden change of fate, the sudden burst of truth,
I may be lead to my dismay,
If i may.

Feeling hopeless over tides of discomfort,
It shone,
Am I forsaken I asked, or have I forsake,
leaving only a shell of solitude,
It's not pretty, but petty yes,
This soul's light has darken,
dimmed,
Given up is the word,
no motivation to live on, nor to do things I once wanted,
It's lead disarray,
I'm lost in blue,
yes a color,
color of death.

Diagnosed with depression,
I can't hold back,
It's just not fun to live anymore,
all my dreams just went downstream,
maybe floating,
but to jump off the cliff to catch it,
is unheard off.

Suicidal, so very suicidal,
blank, so very blank,
can anyone please bring me back my eyes, my ears, my life
A soul mate is lacking,
one which I have wished for endlessly,
Since I was no longer a womb.......

It's back...

These aggresions are back,
These tasteless feeling,
all rotting in my mind , everyone
Can't run anymore, delusions are cleared,
no distractions, and it comes,
feeling helpless all over again,
I belong nowhere, I know that much at least,
but it doesn't mean u could creep out of me,
My fears are being erased, while creating new ones,
If all is erased, i would not have the energy to control my limitations,
Depression,
really ever so painful,

suicide is the solution huh?
I'm doing so, so ever slowly.......

Done!

I'm giving up,
no longer feeling attached to friendship, relationship,
chasing for attention my whole life,
I'm just going to go blank,

I've been blank for a few days now,
refusing to think,
Done!
I told myself,
It's just depressing,
I won't be found in pictures,
I hate them,
I won't be found in conversations,
I dis them,

I'm unimportant,
I know.!.

I'm going to built my own utopia,
my own dreams,
And lead and live my life,
in solitude,
being blank.

I'm just going to fulfill all my promises and that's it.
Why should I accept when I'm unaccepted,
just doing things I don't like so I'll be sucked into a group of people I'm trying to appeal to?
I wonder.

Emptiness is a fortune, only to some.
Others won't even get to feel a hint of it.
I'm just going to devote my promises and responsibilities to those needed,
I'm done with doing so to those I want to.

I'll be a driver fine,
I'll be a toy fine,
I'll be someone people could bounce off fine,
but I ain't going to let it destroy me anymore,
don't even try to feel bad doing so,
cause you need not worry about so,
If it's just to save your face,
keep it.
I'm not working for you or appealing to you cause you manipulate me,
It's that I just shut an eye and act dumb.

I want to try and see if anyone is able to,
really, I'll be grateful if you could,
cause when that happens it's the day I drop doubting people,
an achievement to me, for this forced in solitude soul.

Don't bother asking if I'm okay just cause you feel left out.
Really just keep it.

I'm done with it!

1st sin ~GREED~

~Greed~

I want a hug,

I want a massage,

I want your attention,

I want luxuries,

I want life.

I want death,

I want no resentments,

I want love,


I want care.
These are my greed,
Insatiable greed.

My sins are various,
colored coded.
My greed is green as oppose to my red lust.

It is all equal,second to non,
tying up knots
These are my greed

Once again~

It's swelling again,

Alway hitting me,

at the wrong time,

this feeling of desperation,

7 months long,

I dared not,

Is it going to happen again?

I'm repeating it,

from scratch?

Should I beat around the bush,

or just run fully ahead,

I wonder,

someday I will,

maybe a year

Great

Today was great for me ^^

end...

Admiration=Addiction

I'm addicted,
consistency with different frequency
I hate this feeling,
that which hunts me every time,
I prefer death,
Desire an end,

Worrying what matters not to the other,
I strive, and drifting,
further away,
I could not understand 'me',
Lost with words around you
I am annoying,
I feel that much,

To not care,is ignorance,
to care is arrogance,
There's no gray, no unseen, no mix
just black and white,
feelings or rationale,
I choose to care to not regret,
but I do,

So what's with me?
yea like you said Xe Linn,
I need an ear, no maybe two,
not talks to clear me up,
I wonder why?
Is it because you know I know,
or I'm just arrogant and refuse to listen,
I wonder aloud,
but silent,

I want to see, but dare not call,
too annoying I said to myself,
me I think,
Today my luck has run down,
lucky I thought, a moment of bliss,
but just a knife in disguise,
piercing ever so badly,
I'm used to it I thought, maybe not,
Cremate this thoughts of mine,

I'm done, with it,
I could deal with it, I thought,
attitudes of admiration,habits of addiction,
I repeat, is it bad?
I'm common, I know,
ugly from skin to soul,
I tried, but never once was told to try harder,
just to stop,
I want to rest, but the habits of care and responsibility is eating most,
I want not to regret, but I do,
I wish hard to forget,
but not.

I've company, but like not,
I listen, just not answer,
I try but need to try more,
but being pulled down,
my struggles are non next to yours,
I'm useless, I think,
but I will be useful, I hope,

I'm lost,
maybe,
In my sea of thoughts, real cliche I know,
but so is everyone, not?
I instigate,
maybe I am not alright, with problems to my attitude, my motives, my ideals
I hope change,

I want to hurt non, not again,
I regret, so I dare not,
Dare not to put feelings, dare not to dream
just to drive to strive for my ideals,
I hope to drop family, love, and friends
but I could not,
I want to hold most is family, love, and friends,
because I could not hold them long,
just a moment of bliss.

I'm trying, to socialize, definitely not my forte,
but I try, because i was told to,
but to lock myself in my walls,
is equally as wistful.
I want to talk when I'm alone, hope to be alone when it's crowded,
however there is no mediocre, no middle line,
one is too much, non is too little,
I don't understand,
not only you swea phin, I can't understand myself too
not that I don't want to change Queen, but I dare not, I could not,
I know not how, how?

Life is as depressing as everyone's, no one person is living better than the other,
that's my thought now Pris, I'm sorry,
Lesley, u said I somehow changed, I really wonder how?
Am I finally growing?

I locked myself in sometime, like others,
everyone is equal not?
Sheryn, try it! pen it down just I am now,
Fifi, my respect, you've earned really,
Ambrose, thanks you are really my friend, someone whom i could call in times where
non is too little

I penned this down for reminder, to those words I could not mutter,
I relay thought's easier through writing,
as my hand is as true to my heart as my mind
Yea I seek attention, I'm doing so now
but just so one day some one who know me really well
could tell me i suck, and I need to do more,
It's not lies,I'm driven negatively
It's possible.
I'm an example.

I chose to challenge the flow, but I'm running on it
I,m lost,
Go if you find that I'm not enough,
but be safe, that's all I wish
I've felt useless, every minute before this, and probably after too,

I know pains, because I've touch them, mentally, physically
all is just a test, my actions my reactions
I'm sorry

There's no freedom, just mindsets and illusions,
It's equal
There's no luck, just work
Just time is left,
I wish to conquer that, which I never will,
we are all lead astray, not by desires
but events,
we all want to be special,
but only to so little,
I know I'm not special,
because you are,
to me.

I've learn to care late, to care properly that is,
I've learn to think late, to think properly that is,
I couldn't distress, because it pours everyday
It rains when thing's are wrong, but I rather run than to walk together
yet I fall behind.

I just wonder aloud,
Attention seeking,
philosophy driven,
but just want to go wild,
and be timelessly constrained by my desires,

I so truly desire.....

Chasing away!

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Slowly but surely,
I'm chasing everyone away,
glad for those who stayed
and no resentment towards those who didn't
I'm grateful,but like I've said it's impossible to change,
which of my attitude is the problem,
the fake or the faked?

Real one I hope not, because there never was once i showed,
at least not to anyone I know
Oh well, I'm strong I said,
but now I really wonder,
If you would turn around and stab me
I really wonder.....

Lazy to put words in abstract,
just straight,
If you are reading this,Thanks :)
you know who you are :)

If I'm really your friend, then please allow me to comfort you as how you wish to for me ^^
Those avoiding me I'm still here if I'm needed
It's the responsibilities of my words keeping me around,
I'm not being good, I'm merely wishing that I could really find someone to talk to that's all
One whom need not think too much but just understand,understand the circumstances surrounding me
And accept me

Thanks again but I don't know when I will stop nor would I know when I would die
I appreciate it a lot that you are concern about my death
but please do not joke about going to hell with me
I'll die alone as I was born, Alone
Babies are fine always accepted,Adults are fine,always rejected
What I say is what I mean for the first time in the open,no farce no facade just sincerity

I'm glad I have a really small group of friends whom accepted me
I seldom call peoples friends,just acquaintances,
but you are,and you and you and you and you
really grateful, don't know if you guys/girls would accept me when I finally out open
but I'm not going to be bothered thinking about that
You all may leave as please,doors are open,
but I hope maybe one would stay,
I'm tired of chasing,just to be friends,
chasing not for people but for the understanding called friend,
we are rare cases really,because we are suicidal yet rationale
We hold stress a lot really, but we don't shed tears in front,
just deep inside, yea I'm a guy
a genuine one, and a feminist
consider it my respect to the only gender whom accepted me before
no other meaning.no other reason just pure respect,
but It's different now,It's mix gender, but I can't shake it off, that respect
You have my gratitude,from every inch of my soul.

If no one would choose to understand you, I would as a friend, a close one
nothing more nothing less, so rest assured no hidden feelings
because I dare not, and will not, I'm incompetent
not a worth to anyone, and never will, merely a tool
that's me I guess
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Thanks for listening,you know who you are :P
I listen a lot too bluek hehe but I'm stronger I think hehe
Take it easy yea ^^ If you ever read this.

I've fallen all over,broken

Gazette (Hyena)



Ugly acting and song
Dancing is a poor way of looking handsome
Your copulation is dirtier than money.
Unprincipled strategist
An abused middle aged spread
Feeling like a Tengu in the corner of a brown pipe

Please disappear, because it is an eyesore

You were born from the mouth?
The only kind of flattery is that which is sold through a knothole
Your copulation is dirtier than money.
Unprincipled strategist
An abused middle aged spread
A half-crazed kid who is soaking wet

Please disappear, because it is an eyesore
It fails together if going straight.

Curtain of wine red, I can't discern anything from it
The dancing dreams come floating by
A distorted masquerade, that mimics them on both sides

If I drown you, as you are now
In fluttering love, and adorn you with it
A sheltered and broken prince
Will swarm you, in a moment of sympathy
The day that a chandelier on the back of the head
Went out of style, sympathy was a hyena

The voice that bloomed on your face
Will keep your accumulated ideals around until they die
An easy-going "eternity" has useful dreams

What color would your tears be
And what color would your words be
If painted out? And would you have your same face?
Too many signs have been visible
And too many lies given
Hey, you're just going to rot away, conceited

If I drown you, as you are now
In fluttering love, and adorn you with it
A sheltered and broken prince
Will swarm you, in a moment of sympathy
The day that a chandelier on the back of the head
Went out of style, sympathy was a hyena

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soul with rhythmic patterns,
long lasting it shall not,
hitting high, contradicting all together,
shades of smoke envelope,
hiding what i truly wish

laughing aloud saddened by despair,
pairs of broken ears,paired with broken faces
listening to non,facing non,
lie there,corpses of influence,
maybe not

Scream!
heard not, ruined by uncertainty,
over flowing with madness,
I can't shake it off

how far have I fallen,
pieces of puzzles splashed,
thoughts of cast,
covering eyes,
but hard felt all which is there,

non I could gain, fault is mine,
dare not, just sulking
self pity , pretty shameless,
but I am not, alone I think
a day felt, a day lost

ruined I guess,
piece me back
leave me,
then save me

There's non left
for I've fallen
uncertain
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I would

Less,non

desires,responsibilities?
never enough,stunned,changed but hanging
will you tell me?
It's okay,It's alright
you are there,were,will
never enough for me

Why?there not seen
not your shadow,not your presence,
but you are
day to day,night to night

Spoken lies,never little,never more
Me,I've spoken
figure it,really?really!
closed up,in abundance

More words,
of comfort,of care
lust I do, I do not

Blinded,shunned
It's never ending, beginning maybe?
Fast! change!
Hanging on a fine line, a string maybe
but strong

Lies to one, and to the other
Drowned I am,
responding to none,
existence marked, or maybe

Tell me!
Please, I beg , I plead
Dare I not, I do
Just words from you,
to calm

Endless,in a fork, ways
Lead me, to you
To lead me further there
to right.

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zzzzz lol It's quiet in here isn't oh well :P

'who wouldn't prefer a colorful life?'

hehe
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I just want to talk!

Gazette Guren (Crimson Lotus)



I'm sorry... after awhile, let me sleep by your name

The passing days drew us closer
The pain is matched with joy.
Both hands reflect that
I cry when I think of you.

There is a rain of sadness
It's fine just to remain unknown.
I tremble for repose, I remembered
What do you want to see in this reeled in dream?

I don't want you to fade
Let me hear, even a sigh.
A small heartbeat, that isn't there
I want you, come here!

Unchanging dreams, if this continues on
Please don't pause in your happiness.
Even if it doesn't need to call out, but,
The drowning days are piling over me.

I don't want you to fade
Let me hear, even a sigh
A small heartbeat, that isn't there
I want you, come here!

Even the hands of salvation is also in vagueness
Will there be a cocoon at intervals of the second, Without the string tearing off?

I don't want you to fade
I want to hear, even a sigh.
Little rhythm to the sound of the heartbeat
Of touched prayers delivered.

The name which I cannot call out I held closely
Counting with my fingers, I don't want tomorrow to disappear.

Hearing with blocked ears
The sound of a broken cradle.
The spring time will never come again
The crimson lotus is in bloom.

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you are dreams away,bliss?blessing?
just want time,your time

but stares around,eyes of resentment, distasteful
hope was brought,then fell
thousand feet down

you I saw,I desired, though never mine,never will
I want

Thanks,though lies but brought me hope
want to love,to trust,to believe
all that is left is resentment,with a lot of commitment
I will be there,just call,just cry,I will
at my best

I'm not,I will not,I can not
You are not,you will not,you can not
but you can,you could will,you could be
I just want to talk,to understand,to comfort
though there may be non

I'm not enough,for you for myself
I dare not.....
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owh XD if anyone could suggest me any great literature works please do ^^

Taion,Taion,Taion

Gazette(Taion)



A wintry sky and the broken streetlight cold wind.
Unknown shadow the footprint of desertion.
Freedom was taken.

If it wakes up a gloomy ceiling
A laughing voice sinks in the eardrum it is soiled
And violence rapes me

An understanding is impossible
Why was I chosen? Someone should answer...

Please answer me it is a horrible dream
How much should I shout, writhe and suffer?
Please tell me it is a horrible dream
I shouted many times with losing voice

There is no hand of preparing of the disordered hair.
A laughing voice sinks in the eardrum a faint temperature is mixed in the midwinter

I persuaded myself, who had a dying voice and began writhing.
Not to lose for living.
I was drowned in the night when I feared and had a dying voice.
Please forgive my dying breath.

Please answer me it is a horrible dream.
How much should I shout, writhe and suffer?
Please tell me it is a horrible dream.
I want to smile again at last

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strung by strings of care,

for real,pure, lies not seen

habits to others,fake isn't it

I like to believe,for each act is real, let it stay not shrouded by distrust

I please, I hope
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whee at least there actually reading this blog haha
well subject of the day is 'Taion'
at least a song which is not about lovey dovey stuff zzzz, no offense though a lot of people actually prefer love songs, why not philosophy and tragedy for a change?
music is to express no matter how bad or sad, it's all equal is what I think and I don't think language should be a barrier.
You may find something that truly resembles yourself in others work, who knows ^^

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owh feel free to send me some nice templates, I think I wont start coding myself until the start of holidays XD